Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i am not “quiet quitting” i am suffering from third-degree burnout

Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.

[town square in a thunderstorm]

Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.

His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrella

Galileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*

Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*

It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.

COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.

doctor: your parents were in a car accident

me: how are they?

doctor: they’re critical

me: I meant medically

Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there

me: are you a cop you talk the talk.

ex-cop: not anymore

me: couldn’t walk the walk huh.

ex-cop: no didn’t lock the locks.

Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.

Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.

Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.

My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out

Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.

Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”

him: I’m like the potato of people

me: lumpy

him: no, I-

me: covered in dirt

him: god dammit

I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car

I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.

Daughter:What’s a whore?

Me:Not now.

Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.

Me:You’re getting warm.

Daughter:Mom will know.

Me: You’re on fire!

*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*

I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.

Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.

Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?

*mugger snatching Elsa’s purse

Elsa: LET IT GO!

Mugger: LET IT GO!

Elsa: CANT HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE!

Mugger: LET IT GO!

Elsa: LET IT GO!

Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.

Husband: But you just woke up.

Me: Exactly.

Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.

[court]
Defense lawyer: Oh great.
𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 judge.
Client: What’s wrong with him?
Lawyer: His name is Thoreau D. Book.

I am having fish and chips for lunch.

*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*

My child said she wanted to be like me so she put my glasses on top of her head and walked around saying “where are my glasses?!” I feel attacked

911 what’s the emergency

“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”

Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*