Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.

One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.

safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle

me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor

*Gets bit by spider*

*I don’t get powers*

*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*

talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me

I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it

“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*

If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.

I remember when I was 14 I really wanted a ZX Spectrum. I did odd jobs, and saved up my pocket money and paper-round wages until eventually I had enough money to pay my cousin Dawn to steal one from Dixon’s

I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.

Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently

[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything

Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.

Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.

[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911

thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine

You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.

My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs

Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.

*brings pen to sword fight*

Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’

If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!

A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.

“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted

I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.

A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one

For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you

DON’T make this weird…

(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)

I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.

If you think $1mil/yr is “rich,” guess again! Look at my monthly expenses.

$22k rent
$6k 24/7 manservant
$2k gourds (decorative)
$4.5k jewels, myrrh
$10k ballooning & balloon upkeep
$7k magazines
$9k condor egg omelettes
$11k misc unguents

I’m barely getting by.

“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.