Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.
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[at train station]
Cashier: May I help you?
Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place
“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.
ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
The Person Who Discovered Sharks
Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.
Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
This girl has such star power. She so clearly exemplifies the disgust in this image & pulls the emotional weight for her less-committed peers imo
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
Pastor: He is risen!
Me: Who?
Pastor: Jesus
Me: Jesus who?
Pastor: Jesus Christ
Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.
Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume?
lady that posts recipes online: well, it all started in the summer of ’21, when i decided to visit italy to reconnect with my roots
Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles
[mom ridiculing me in front of new GF]
“Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he’d get a new family”