Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.
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imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Re-enacting Noah’s Ark.
W: How?
M: I’m gonna try to fit 2 of every animal cracker in my mouth.
W: Idiot.
M: Mmmrrf.
Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?
I shit my pants last week, which is crazy because I’m usually more of a toilet guy.
If you would have told 7 year old me that one day I’d be sneaking into people’s rooms to steal their teeth I’d have thought you were crazy.
I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?
ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one
There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
[Violently kicking down the door of an elderly care nursing facility]
I NEED VOLUNTEERS TO RUN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA
Marty: I know you want a sandwich Doc but this is crazy
Doc Brown: a loaf of bread only cost 18 cents in 1955 Marty, we have to go back
Marty: it’s just bread
Doc Brown: it’s only 18 cents, come ogle your mother
Marty: what?
Doc Brown: what, what?
Not now pee, I’m sleeping.
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?