Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader
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When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.
The term ‘monkeying around’ makes sense to me, monkeys are silly animals. ‘Horsing around’ pisses me off though, it’s very, very disrespectful… Pretty much every horse I’ve met has a job
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
Neighbor: hey, it looks like my trampoline got blown into your yard during the storm last night
Me: no, that’s mine
Neighbor: it’s definitely mine
Me: no, it was gifted to me by the sky gods
Neighbor: I’m taking it back
Me: ok, but the sky gods won’t be pleased about this
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.
Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday
Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.
This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”
imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day
Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”
Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
Me: *shares irrefutable and well known fact that no one has dared question in the history of the entire world*
5 year old: No it isn’t
the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat
Sorry not sorry.
My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all
For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies