SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery
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Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?
My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?
Him: No, 12
7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
no such thing as a dumb question
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?
ME: slowly
7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?
Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.
me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.
Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.
I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
paparazzi followed me 2 a shoot so I tried 2 think what I could do that would yield the most onion-ish possible headline and it worked haha
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident
Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
News guy: The average person will consume around 4500 calories during the holidays.
Me: Pffft… amateurs.
me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years
Melatonin: You want some help falling asleep?
Me: Yes please.
Melatonin: And you want your nightmares more vivid and real?
Me: What?
Ceiling Lady: 🅈🄾🅄 🄷🄴🄰🅁🄳 🄷🄸🄼.
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]
Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.
ME: I got us a custom headstone!
WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes
ME: Just read it
WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”
Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
Dishwasher: *starts*
Peanut butter on knife: LMAO
Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
I just got an email saying ‘At Google earth we can read maps backwards!’
I thought, “That’s just spam.”
Psychic: This card means you will become a king with a lot of diamonds.
Me: Aren’t these supposed to be tarot cards?
Psychic: This card means you will get out of jail free.
I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.