SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery
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*at museum*
Date: this place is so cool, what’s your favourite exhibit here?
Me: I like the room with all the fluffy things
Date: the what? Wait do you mean the coat room? Dude they have spaceships and all sorts here
Me: *staring into muddle distance* so much fluffy
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
Reminded of the time I was at college, coming home to find my ma worried sick because there’d been rioting in Belfast. ‘I didn’t see any of it’, I said.
10 o’clock news comes on and there I am walking past a police land-rover being attacked with my headphones in. None the wiser.
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
Listening to a friend tell me about her deep and meaningful dream knowing last night I dreamed I found a cave cricket in my nose.
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.
my ex just blocked me on twitter but i’m not gonna text him to ask him why bc i’m mature, i respect his boundaries and also he’s already blocked my number.
‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’
~Jason Voorhees, in therapy
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
[at wedding]
Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace
Me (raises hand)
Pastor: It’s your wedding
Me (lowers hand)
My friends are always encouraging me to persist. “Don’t quit your day job.”
i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.
I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
You’re telling me people get eight hours of sleep? Like in one night?
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend
Me: The doctor?
Her: He never comes over anymore
Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird
I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.
This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.
*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*
Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.