[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”
You Might Also Like
Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
My kidnappers sent me back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers
Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?
There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix
*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.
Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
When I’m inevitably murdered, my loved ones won’t say I always lit up a room, but instead “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m honestly surprised this didn’t happen sooner”
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise
A girl on Facebook says it’s officially too cold to go outside. Thank you for your official confirmation, Madison, I will remain indoors.
Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?
*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*
she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout
right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”
Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷♀️
my personal injury lawyer: *confused look*
me: ANSWER ME, ARE YOU SEEING OTHER CLIENTS OR NOT
“god has a plan for you” ok well i have some notes for him
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
[goes to walmart]
[later]
Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?
Me: Even better than that…
[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]
Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“
*interrupting* haha, he said prick