[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”
You Might Also Like
Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
Me: *buys anything at the store*
Wife: Was it on sale?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use a coupon?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use your discount card?
Me: Oops.
Wife: You’ve brought shame on us all.
Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted
ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up
The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail
When waiting for a flight, there’s always one guy at the gate that makes you think, “As long as I’m not sitting next to him, I’ll be fine.”
can we all find some common ground and just agree that if anything should be illegal it’s 1ply toilet paper
Deacon: Remember when you said you were open to ideas to get new members?
Pastor: Yes, why do you ask?
Deacon: How do you feel about knives?
[movie theater concessions]
Me: ok kiddos we can get popcorn or we can pay for your college.
Kids: POPCORN!
Wife: seriously!?!
Me: [shakes head sadly] they’ve made their choice.
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?
1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy
Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.
Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!
You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.
“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
Colleagues confronted me about my terrible similes. Like crows trapped in a Smucker’s jar, I’d have to murder my way out of yet another jam.
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.