[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”
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Nigella has gone too far this time.
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
I hope 100 years from now people will read my tweets and think ‘Wow, she was unwell’
“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”
All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.
I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like
Me: *places a hold on a book in the Libby app*
Libby app: There’s a 36 week wait on this book.
Me: *starts another book while I wait*
*two hours later*
Libby app: Your hold is ready.
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
There were shockingly few machete murders at tennis camp.
In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads
My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?
Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace
My Transformers name would be Past Her Prime.
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato