Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?

ME: slowly

7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?

Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.

me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?

therapist: i’m all ears

me: *screaming*

I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.

Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it

[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back

Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.

Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside

– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars

me: *clamping can of beans into electric can opener* now spill it!

can of beans: never!

(whirring noises)

Me: Did you throw your carrot-sticks in the grass?

3yr old: No, the crow did it

Me: You know you must always tell the truth, right? Fibs are bold

3yr old: *points out window

Me: *See’s crow stealing and flinging carrot-sticks in the grass

3yr old: It’s nice to say sorry.

My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good

Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me

*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost

The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.

Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.

Threw my garbage in the dumpster noticed I didn’t have my wallet. After looking everywhere, I fished out the garbage bag with an ice scraper. Found my wallet in the garbage but my keys fell in. After considerable more effort I have my keys. And I’ve only been outside 20 mins!

I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.

I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.

date: i like the strong silent type

me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]

Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!

Most women need a little reassurance.

Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.

People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.

The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.

Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?

~people

Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?

Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case

Like a good neighbor

State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.

Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”

Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”

hackers play passwordle

She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*

Day 2 of being Kidnapped.

Kidnappers have now committed suicide.

No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run