Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.

difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking

Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours

Asks AI, “I nicked my leg shaving.”

AI results, “Remove leg”

How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?

Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.

speaking in tongues is a great way to quickly end a bad first date

Failed Hallmark card:
I’m sorry I stabbed you with a fork when you leaned in to kiss me.

I thought you were going to take my taco.

Bro, you’re not allowed to have your tongue drop out of your mouth and form a stair case when you see my wife anymore

DID YOU KNOW: Petting dogs is a video game, and if u pet a dog perfectly enough, u will unlock the ability to go to a dog’s Birthday Party

Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.

Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?

Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-

Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!

I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.

Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?

thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie

I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.

[fancy restaurant]
me: one steak and a bowl of ketchup please
waiter: usually you don’t need anything with it, sir
me: you’re right [closing menu] just the ketchup then

My dating profile:

When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”

“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out

Adultry does not sound fun at all

Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?

Are aliens their primary customers?

i’m sick of blessings in disguise. i am ready for a blessing with absolutely no disguise whatsoever

Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.

Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular

him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.

The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”

Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.

The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.