Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.

TWITTER

2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral

2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable

2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater

2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools

We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining

I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English

I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?

Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]

Every year, my childless (by choice) brother tries to find the most annoying toy on the planet to send to my kids for Christmas. So this year for his gift, I’m sending the kids for a visit and to keep them entertained, I’m sending all the toys, too.

The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014

This bar smells like my childhood.

A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.

So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.

Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-

Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet

Mom: we picked Bertha

Shakespere: oh god ew

Today I tended my livestock (took the dog to the groomers), rescued wildlife (a turtle in the road), worked to put bread on the table (wrote shit copy for stupid clients), and then tilled my fields (spread mulch). Not braggin’, but I think I would have made a great pioneer wife.

“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat

When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.

I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.

5: wow, you look so pretty

Me: thank yo—

5: with your sunglasses on

Me: am I pretty without them?

*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*

5: sure

I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.

Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…

Me *about to get hit by a bus*

OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER

Norman Bates’ favorite reference book was the enpsychopedia.

A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses

My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.

There should be a place that rents baby goats out by the hour to come over and maintain your lawn

You know, I didn’t need to find that poppyseed right between my front teeth immediately after I spoke to the kindergarten room mom for thirty minutes to keep me humble but I guess it won’t hurt

We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.

Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?

Me: No way, I used a lint roller.

Lawyer: Wait what?

Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*

My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.

People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.

Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?

As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.