Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: how bad is it

dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise

[later]

wife: what did the doctor say

me: linda….i’m dying

I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.

When you didn’t plan your story very well.

[giving wedding toast for my cousin]

…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—

My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.

[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction

Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.

Imagine there was a moment before Red Riding Hood arrived where the wolf in nightdress and sleeping hat asked himself what the hell he was doing.

RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket

Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.

Me now: I would never date anyone.

“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”

-inventor of Lucky Charms

I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?

i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there

I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it

[at craft beer festival]

Me: Miller Lite, please

*ukulele girl stops playing*

Bartender: *blinks repetitively*

Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*

Saying ‘better luck next time’

is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.

The more you know..

Bodyguard Idea:

Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.

“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.

[Knock at the door]

Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?

Mary: What’s he done this time?

tub, pail, can, vat, jug, kettle, cask, pot, keg, barrel, bowl…

…. making a bucket list

I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans

We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.

If you’re buying something embarrassing at the drugstore (like an enema), just ask for a gift receipt so they won’t think it’s for you.

I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.

HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes

MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed

My grandma (99, dementia) was at a trivia night in her memory care unit and they asked “Who shot JFK?” and she said “I did.”

Trying to fill my partner in on the latest Magic bannings

HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain

Those who believe in only 12.5% of the bible are eighthiests.

pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates

Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.

GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high five

ME: he bought some dirt

GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok

ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself