Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband said I use a lot of makeup, so I showed him some makeup tutorials on tiktok and I don’t think he’ll be making that mistake again.

Okay I try very hard to be respectful of the gentle parenting camp but I laughed out loud at this.

Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called

My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.

Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.

Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…

I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.

There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.

Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.

The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.

I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.

My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.

“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.

BEETROOT

Beetroot, beetroot
Purple, earthy treat root
Come hither to my house with me

Beetroot, beetroot
Purple, earthy treat root
I long to roast you for my tea

#NationalPoetryDay

Me: Two men enter, one man leaves

Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?

Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!

Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?

Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…

Milk teeth are wasted on children. A new set of teeth would be a lot more useful in your 30s

Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.

My 5yo, asserting his independence on the last day of school by coming downstairs dressed in fleece pants on a 90 degree day. I’m sweating just looking at him.

Checkmate, Flat Earthers

So many village idiots. So few dragons.

i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not

I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.

Then I get kicked out.

“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”

It’s my last day in my current job and all my coworkers have come dressed as me

Next weeks therapy session is going to be a doozy

Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:

My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”

‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.

It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want

A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire

~ the guy in front of me, apparently

My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.