Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.

After moving approximately 35 times in about as many years I’m here to tell you that you’ll keep the people who matter most. What you’ll miss are the restaurants.

Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.

*brings a mattress to a trust fall*

I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.

I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.

My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen

No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.

them: what are you think-

me: FOOD

Sorry for the way I acted at your dad‘s funeral. I just thought it was a little rude that he was wearing the same outfit as me.

Ways to get me naked:

1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist

Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!

I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.

But the haters are really getting to me.

1/

Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.

If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.

Friend: How long till school starts?

Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.

me: want to go hunting this weekend?

friend: sure i’m game.

me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.

I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.

BREAKING

Scientists warn that Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by 2025 if they keep coming true at the current rate

Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.

If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.

My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.

Dear diary,

Sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?

*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.

[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*

HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?

ME: i love love actually actually

“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.

Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?

Because OJ will kill you.

Him: You’re sexy as hell.

Her: I’m an atheist.

Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.

Her: Awwwww, thank you.