[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]
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i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life
Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
who called it an infinity scarf instead of a scaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.
Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.
My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
What’s Godzilla’s favorite sitcom?
How I Met Your Mothra!
…No, YOU shut up.
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
inflation so bad pets are getting jobs
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
My kid: Did you know that you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?
Me: Kinda like how your brain chooses to ignore the mess in your room?
mom: what’d you do today?
christopher robin: the pantsless bear in crop top needed my help cuz he got covered in honey and stuck in a hole
mom: …okay maybe no more going to the woods alone for awhile.
*coworker showing you a picture of their newborn* Nice, nice. What is that?
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
Someone: your tweet is unnecessary
Me: *gesturing at Twitter* PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS IS NECESSARY I’LL WAIT
people who dress up for flights who’re you trying to impress? the clouds? the beverage cart? the boy in seat 12B with the perfect almond eyes and the windswept hair with the crooked smile and those perfect freckles peppered across his nose? grow up
One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
son: what’s that one?
me: the orion constellation
son: and that one?
me: that’s the big dipper
son: and what’s that?
me: that’s my 3 star review, immortalized in the sky to forever remind god of his mistakes
Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
*spelling bee*
“Your word is disaster.”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”