Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”

her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?

me: i added ginger

her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger

ginger: *wet meows*

The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.

– birds

Best seat on the street 😍

I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.

them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz

how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram

“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.

gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that

me: will do

[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]

me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports

her dad: that’s right

me: why

[in ambulance after being shot]

can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?

“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”

Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.

*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”

Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”

[first day as a waiter]

customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??

me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it

cashier: paper or plastic

me: it’s a debit card

cashier: no for your milk

me: oh haha liquid’s fine

there’s music for literally every activity

No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.

every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address

🤣

*working in hospital with med student*

me: ok so this patient is here today with a lot of crystals

med student: oooh u mean like those healing crystals

me: no the crystals are in their urine

med student: oooh so like harming crystals

me: correct

bank transfers when they’re taking money out of your account: haha yeah we can do this at the speed of light now. w/e its cool

bank transfers when they’re putting money in your account: hold on there pardner. we have to load this check on a pony and ride it across texas first

[inventing the boomerang]

OH SHIT, IT’S BACK

3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!

Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??

7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!

My 13yo’s school supply list had “Trapper Keeper” on it. I thought I was going to have to time travel back to the 80s to grab one until I saw Target had already done that for me and had a few on their shelf.

her: this is the worst date EVER

me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit

Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics

Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.

How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?