Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots

Him: You don’t have Russian roots

Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*

Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.

I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!

Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these

Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine

[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*

*watches Charlotte’s Web*

Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror

My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.

So I’ve sent in my wedding album.

Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids

Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.

April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox

My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.

My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?

“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”

-How I Met Your Stepmother

When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.

Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!

“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”

I just said that.

baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –

baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!

Me: My sex life is like your car.

Friend: What? Sleek, performance-inspired, 6-speed, classic & acclaimed?

Me: Nope. Electric powered.

Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.

A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.

“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me

Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.

“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”

No, it’s literally 2 syllables

“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”

-soon to be disappointed praying mantis

*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*

It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.

me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he’d go into people’s houses uninvited and have them drink his blood

my therapist: again, it’s not technically wrong but I’m concerned you have diagrams

My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!

Last year my husband and I both gave each other NyQuil for Christmas. I’m just not sure we are going to be able to top the gift of sleep this year.