Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How do I get a job writing these texts

Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it

I miss seein tweets like “last Christmas I gave you my heart, but the very next day, Guantanamo Bay” who did that one

The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.

Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.

Age 10: I want to be a baseball player

Age 20: I want to be a writer

Age 30: I want to be happy

Age 40: I want my toilet to flush

You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.

rebranding

Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.

[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right

Back to school sale prices are so cheap. I’m getting all of my Christmas shopping done.
25 cent rulers for everyone!

I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.

when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.

my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon

Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.

DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: Oh, so you think you can poke me, do ya? *draws gun* Well, reach for the sky!

CACTUS: 🌵

DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: That’s right…

Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.

My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day

My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house

My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.

Um how about you continue to live here?

Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..

BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home

ME: *slips him some money*

BOUNCER: What’s this?

ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you

Me before grocery shopping: healthy foods, no impulse buys, I can do this

Me during grocery shopping: they make chocolate filled marshmallows???

When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day

Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap

HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?

ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’

[mattress commercial]

husband: i like value

wife: but i want comfort

announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299

I’m looking for a guy in finance
Trustworthy
Six eyes
Blue pies

Okay, so he doesn’t exist but neither does the guy in the original version

[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work

For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.

Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”