Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Central Park]

Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter

Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree

My husband handed my son an orange to take to school.

Me: “He’s not going to eat that.”

My son reached in his bag and pulled out yesterday’s orange. … and then pulled out Tuesday’s orange as well.

Resolution: He returned two previous oranges and brought the new one. 🤷🏼‍♀️

It’s fitting to watch a Mike Tyson fight with the picture clarity of an 80’s TV.

The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.

I never judge a book by its cover.

People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.

I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.

“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”

why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead

I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.

doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on

me: probably since the summer of 2015

Dear People who like me,

I appreciate every single two of you.

Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.

I refuse to be controlled by a calendar so happy birthday to me today

Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!

Jabba: *speaks Huttese*

C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.

*rolls grocery cart into open house*

Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*

An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*

They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.

[bank robbery]

OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!

[dave starts doing the electric slide]

Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money

6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes

I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”

*at store*

Random guy: Do you have the time?

Me: 6:30.

Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —

Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.

I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.

[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”

Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.

Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.

my fav brides on Say Yes To The Dress are the ones who come in wanting a specific dress but don’t call ahead to see if it’s in stock and are like sooo shocked it’s not there. Baby!!! it’s your wedding dress!!! I’ve called bakeries to make sure they have a cinnamon roll in stock

HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?

Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.

HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.

A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.

HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off

ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair

If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.

KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk

ME: but this tree is so tiny

A baby bear catches snowflakes.