Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt

ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it

There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis

You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.

It’s almost midnight and my 44 years old ass is still up trying to figure out what I’m going to wear for the costume party that social-me proposed at work and now no-social- tired-broke me wants to punch me right on the nununana for having that dumb idea.

when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud

the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season

not sure why we don’t use this thing more often

Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.

Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.

*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*

Mercury in retrograde again I see

I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.

They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.

I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.

wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?

Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?

This is my brand.

Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.

ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely

Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.

[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”

*at plastic surgery consultation*

Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”

Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”

This gonna be me in 2 weeks

My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.

When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

People will remember:
– you were in the corner
– in the spotlight
– losing your religion

Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.

[4:30 AM]

Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep

Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen

I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.

I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.

Newborns cry because they’re being evicted

My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.