Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”
SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!
*brings lunch to work*
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CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!
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Just got blocked by a longtime friend here and I’m trying to get over it
I’m over it
How’d you get a black eye?
Walked into a door.
[Later, another shiner]
One does not simply walk into more doors.
The “I got your nose” game is fun to play with kids, but try it on the pharmacist at Target & she’ll call security.
My driver’s side window is stuck closed. I may starve to death.
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.
I’m Italian, but I’m not “save a princess from a weird dinosaur looking guy, with my brother Luigi” Italian.
her: I’m leaving you
me: because I like scooby doo?
her: you’re obsessed
me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this
I could’ve sworn there was less grunting and moaning the last time I put these pants on…
Maybe the donut in my mouth muffled it
I put a note in my kids lunchbox daily telling them that if they work really hard at school then one day we may be able to afford a sandwich