[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
SOLDIER: Yankee Oscar Uniform Romeo Foxtrot Lima Yankee India Sierra Delta Oscar Whiskey November
CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!
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People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*