@tastefactory

SOLDIER: Yankee Oscar Uniform Romeo Foxtrot Lima Yankee India Sierra Delta Oscar Whiskey November
CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!

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@AndyAsAdjective

Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”

SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!

*brings lunch to work*

@tsm560

Just got blocked by a longtime friend here and I’m trying to get over it

I’m over it

@HiddenPinky

How’d you get a black eye?

Walked into a door.

[Later, another shiner]

More doors?

*nods*

One does not simply walk into more doors.

@TheTalkingPipe

The “I got your nose” game is fun to play with kids, but try it on the pharmacist at Target & she’ll call security.

@bobinhiding

My driver’s side window is stuck closed. I may starve to death.

@TomSchally

I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.

@Adar79Angie

I’m Italian, but I’m not “save a princess from a weird dinosaur looking guy, with my brother Luigi” Italian.

@50FirstTates

her: I’m leaving you

me: because I like scooby doo?

her: you’re obsessed

me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this

@BubbleNuggets2u

I could’ve sworn there was less grunting and moaning the last time I put these pants on…

Maybe the donut in my mouth muffled it

@inanimatecorpse

I put a note in my kids lunchbox daily telling them that if they work really hard at school then one day we may be able to afford a sandwich