@tastefactory

SOLDIER: Yankee Oscar Uniform Romeo Foxtrot Lima Yankee India Sierra Delta Oscar Whiskey November
CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!

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@murrman5

[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now

@JPLFR80

People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos

@Kyle_Lippert

Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.

@RunwayDan

Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.

@Cpin42

My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.

@Jade_VK

I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective

@U_Want_Shum_M8

-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-

@Jenny4ashley

No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.

@dshack8

“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”

Guys named Geoff.