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CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!
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[doctor’s office]
Me: My eye hurts.
Doctor: Okay. But first let’s have you step up on this scale so we can see how fat you are.
*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”
friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
[later]
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”
Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count
NYT: Yes Sauron Can Be Quite Aggressive But Consider Hobbits Who Go Around Throwing People’s Jewelry Into Lava Pits
I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any
also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it
Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team
Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
(God creating coyotes)
God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.
If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.
Copy Editor is a rewording career.
My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.
I’m sick of everybody in this house.
-me, who lives alone.
CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.
my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson
me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”
How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”
Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
Accurate