Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:

A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.

Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.

Papa Seal: Son, is your fractured flipper feeling any better?

Baby Seal: Daddy, it really hurts! Can’t you give me some Tylenol for the pain??

Papa Seal: I wish I could, son, but it said “Do not use if seal is broken.”

paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]

me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on

#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..

Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?

Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.

me: cheeseburgers are better than sex

her: maybe you’re doing it wrong

me: I stick my meat between two buns and slather it in sauce, add cheese, pickles and bacon

her: I meant sex

me: me too

I started out with nothing and still have most of it!

Fact.

Me, telling the kids were eating Mexican tonight.
13, on phone with friend: We’re going to eat chinchillas for dinner…
Me: CHIMICHANGAS!! It’s chimichangas not chinchillas…🤦🏻‍♀️

The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us

“sticks and stones may break my bones”

“got it, thank you!”

“wait there’s more”

“but you already foolishly revealed your weakness to me”

[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*

Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”

17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.

I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.

[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]

It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.

-me, to the vegetables in my fridge

Family: You never call anymore.

Me: I’m calling now?

Fam: Now’s not a good time.

Me: When should I call?

Fam: Anytime.

My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.

“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.

My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.

me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?

We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed

I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.

I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops

Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second

Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.

If you’re a twin you should have to tell people when you first meet them. By law. I have the right to know if there’s going to be more than one of you running around. What are you trying to pull?

SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you