[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
♫ All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ♫
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Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts
seminar…
Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
[Ouija board in Starbucks]
“Speak to me spirits”
O M G H A V E U S E E N W H A T K R I S T Y I S W E A R I N G
G R O S S
approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes
Levels of ceiling fan:
-Hurricane
-On .. ish
-How do I turn this off? maybe it’s on.. wait, is it almost off? no it’s still on
I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.
WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes
My god she’s good.
These aliens are taking forever.
My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.
Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs
It’s a gift
I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer
A game married people play.
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
We’ve all been there
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…