Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“This year sucked, next year will suck too.” Enough negativity, let’s hear something aspirational. In 2024 we will put all tik tok content creators in jail

The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.

doctor: what seems to be the problem?

t-rex: I cant feel my legs

LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes

[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”

“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.

That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit

LOIS: look! up in the sky!

JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!

BABY: *opens wide*

The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy

passed a guy walking down the street video chatting someone but here’s a fun twist: he was doing it on a laptop

Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so

We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off

– airlines airlining

I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.

[devil’s first day on the job]

human: so i get anything I want?

devil: yes

human: and all you want is my shoe?

devil: just the bottom part, but yes

“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”

That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.

I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser

My daughter just told me I’m giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I’m finally nailing this whole parenting thing.

Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.

I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.

WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic

THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?

ME: No. It should be fewer arguments

Paint me like one of your French girls….

With a big fat croissant in my mouth

When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines

Delicious sardines

*august*

y’all need jesus

*christmas ads start*

not like that

*Batman voice*
Elections give me diarrhea.

[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!

A tired woman is a mean woman.

Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.

they need to invent a dishwasher with a window on it. i have to know what goes on in there

Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?

She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.

I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.

me, angry: I’m LEAVING-

doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*