Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

THERAPIST: I want us to share our emotions with the whole group today. Who wants to go first?
ME: Me!
T: Thank you!
ME: [leaving] No problem

gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts

“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.

After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.

The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.

I just remembered the time I was dating a British man and I was annoyed at him about something so I deliberately made my tea in the microwave while staring him right in the eyes

Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.

girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda

me: weird but ok

her dad: *opens door* hello

me: hello soda

🤣🤣🤣🤣

today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more

[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!

Trust my gut? The thing that tricks me into buying gas station sushi and roller dogs? No thanks.

SHOW ME A PHOTO OF YOUR INFANT I WILL SHOW YOU 20 OF MY CAT

if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing

nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing

Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP

Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.

Biden:

wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die

[ikea date]

him: let’s go check out the beds 😉

me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?

I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.

captain: hand in your gun

me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger

To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.

Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?

Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.

There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot

water it, i dare you

VERY excited to choose the food with the caterer for our wedding soon. it’s the ultimate versionnof my favorite game (looking at a restaurant menu and deciding what i’d like to eat)

Cardio? Is that in Spain?