[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
♫ All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ♫
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I was an English major, which means I may or may not be able to get you out of a dangerous situation, but *patting your arm* at least I can write a 5-paragraph essay on the fatal flaw that led you to it.
Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme
doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no
[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
ME: make a clone of me for my wife
SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]
ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back
WIFE: wait a minute
can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands
*cancelling plans* ugh sorry i’d love to come but im actually uhhhh in the running for vice president
Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few
At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I’m in front of a group of people.
*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
*does macarena*
“And you sarge, got anyone special back home?”
“An Internet commentor. Wants me to provide facts against his point. Said he’d wait for me.”
My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty
Lately I have the attention span of wait what
Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
Once I dreamt I’d pissed the bed and when I woke up I had. So never let people tell you dreams can’t come true.
Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
My 3yo, who has to have everything read aloud to him, opened a fortune cookie tonight that said, “The path to success lies in taking a bath without fussing or throwing water out of the tub and getting out nicely with no crying.” what are the ODDS
Wife: Can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
Me: And I would do anything for love.
Her: Put your phone down.
Me: But I won’t do that.
Her: You said anything.
Me: No I won’t do that.
Good morning ☺️
Twitter: Worchest… Worce… Woostishire, haha this word is so hard to spell, am I right?
Also Twitter: GIMME ALL THE SRIRACHA
Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead