Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[dinner party]
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.

Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet

Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.

Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.

It’s a vicious cycle.

Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?

Me: 👌

Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.

I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.

Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.

If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.

I love my son’s teacher, but I’m low key triggered by all these messages about what he can be learning during this. Look lady, he’s currently got his little brother in a choke hold, he doesn’t want to read a book right now

14 y.o.: OMG MOM!!!! Are you okay?!?! Do you need some water? Are you having a heart attack? Why does your face look like that?
⠀
Me: I’m not having a heart attack, I just ran for five minutes.

Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”

Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom

Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.

If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.

Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.

Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.

My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago

[date]

me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?

her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?

me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?

*awkward silence*

me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits

Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.

My wife teaches high school math and half of her time is spent just making sure that none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420

DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?

9: if a cigar is just made from a plant then why can’t kids have them?

me: I’m just trying to drink my morning coffee man.

Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.

Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.

[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.

my fitness device congratulated me on “playing ice hockey” and told me i burned 300 calories over the past 20 minutes.

i was eating a Wendy’s baconator.

I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe

Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.

Cop: Sir have you been drinking?
Me: *slowly unbuttons shirt to show underlying Superman t-shirt* It’s me *winks*
Cop: Out of the vehicle.

My doctor just diagnosed me with a severe lack of awareness.

That came out of nowhere.