Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?

shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good

There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.

My kid wants to earn money to go on a pricey school trip next year and asked if the tooth fairy gives money for other body parts.

Whew Netflix is making a LOT of enemies. Kids away at school, kids who live with different parents depending on the day, grandparents who live elsewhere but have their own accounts, people who travel for work…like girl. All this and half your mess can’t get a season 2??? Be fr

my lawyer: ok brent we are all here
me at the reading of my will I insisted I do thru ouija board: *takes ten minutes to spell out good evening*

I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.

I used to watch the Olympics on TV as a child and dream of growing up and also watching the Olympics on TV but on a better TV.

if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised

Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?

“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online

Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?

Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.

Me: *looks warily at our kids*

The fastest mammal on earth is me when I’m retweeting your typo tweet.

My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.

Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.

Me: god you’re sexy

Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women

Me (sultry whisper): not my mom

son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
s:
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
s:
me: not that this helps you
s:
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
s:
me: …an aquatic sea animal
s:
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
s:
me: please go away

Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient

Truly one of the great bangers

They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton

Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.

It’s weird how obituaries state that someone was “survived” by, say, a son and daughter, as if the deceased hadn’t quite got round to murdering them.

Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.

SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot

ME: Wow

SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion

ME: Ok

SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot

[Reporting live on scene]

Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?

Me: Christ Gary, all of it.

I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects

My 3yo was so excited to go to his first yard sale! He had $1 to spend on a toy and carefully chose a large plastic shark head. I was relieved it wasn’t something messy! When we got home we discovered it was actually a toy carrier and there were THIRTY miniature sharks inside. 😑

wife: I’m leaving you

me: is it because I cheated on you

wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen

the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os

Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic

Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.

Idiots