Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sweatpants ✅
Headband ✅
Wristbands ✅
Jockstrap ✅

“Welcome to Olive Garden’s all you can eat pasta night.”

When customers come in 6 hours before closing

Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping

Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.

If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.

I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing

People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT

You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you

Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.

If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!

[IT guy on phone]

May I take control of your computer?

Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*

Err… sure.

Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.

My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20

If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.

WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother

Me: i feel like we don’t communicate as well lately

Marriage Counselor: where’s your wife?

Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this

CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:

ME: Two Thin Mints please

GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!

ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings

GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS

…

ME: Four boxes would be great.

Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.

I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.

When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.

waiter: i’m sorry sir, but your card has been declined

me: run it again

waiter: i ran it three times

me: *to my date* omg this is so embarrassing. do you mind taking care of it?

her: no problem! *grabs waiter by the collar and pulls him close* he said run it again

While at Starbucks today I overheard a 20-something telling friends how she “only eats farm-to-table,” and has “never felt better.”

Please let the record state she was drinking a Frappuccino as she shared her secret to good health.

Anyone know where Frappuccinos are farmed?

PRIEST: the child is inhabited by the same evil spirit we crossed paths with!
CHILD [demon voice]: DON’T END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSSESSION

Good point.

[First day of dropping kids off at school]

*Hugs and crying*

[2nd day]

“Get out!”

Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.

I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.

If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.

I told my doctor I have a problem with my left ear.

“Are you sure?”

I replied, “Yeah, I’m definite.”