[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
♫ All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ♫
You Might Also Like
Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.
Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
age 1: goo googa
age 2: im a babada da
age 3: thank god i can finally speak. listen, i’ve been observing u for 3 years now. what are u doing
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual
WebMD: *Blocked
Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club
Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭
Imagine being reincarnated as grass?
Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.
Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.
My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones
I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄
“Let’s agree to disagree.”
TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.