Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

genie: you can’t wish for more wishes

me: okay, i wish for the best contract lawyer in the world

genie: okay weird but *poof* here’s alan

me: hey alan, find some loophole in this genie’s bylaws that gets me more wishes

alan: *to genie* this is the fifth time this month

I used to be afraid of death by spontaneous combustion until my wife reminded me I’ve never done anything spontaneous in my life.

Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.

~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic

Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.

Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?

Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN

Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!

I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”

*gloating* I just broke the internet

Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.

Son: daddy why is the sky blue?

Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled

I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.

A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.

Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.

you watch a movie then have to go to work the next day doesn’t seem right

“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”

*watching the first MI, Tom Cruise sends a message to max@job 3:14

me: pfft that’s not a valid email address format, no wonder it’s called Mission Impossible

wife:

me: I mean some of the other stuff seems pretty improbable too

I use my imagination to solve problems.

And by imagination, I mean booze.

interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any

me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses

I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.

*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*

BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry

“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”

Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.

My daughter has been super nice lately and encouraging me to take naps so I can rest and I just discovered that while I’ve been doing that she’s been slowly decimating my secret candy stash

(at the tavern, 16th century) bro you cannot horse and buggy home. you’ve had too much ale. bro give me your reins right now

I’d hit that

-me, to my snooze alarm

While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.

I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.

If there are ladies out there into bad boys, look no further. I’m now watching a show despite it being for mature audiences only.

ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.

When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.

Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?

one time i asked the guy i was dating at the time if he would still love me if i was a worm and he said ‘no but i would build u a terrarium and make sure ur safe and also so u could see the girl i date after :)’ and it caused a huge fight lol