Soldiers seen here arriving before the infamous Battle of Baguettysburg.
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Love is in the air fryer.
2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.
Used to be you could wash your pots and pans immediately after use and be done with it. But you can’t anymore. Because of soak
Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.
Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets
[ouija board]
How are you feeling?
*board begins spelling*
O-O-E-Y–G-O-O-E-YWhat the!? A cheesy board!?
G-O-U-D-A–G-U-E-S-S
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
I just got the emailed receipt from her shopping trip and It’s taking forever for my wife to get home and “catch” me doing the dishes
I bet the guy who invented pants wasn’t even wearing any pants when he invented them.
Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do
ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do thatALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did
New Yorkers were told they couldn’t bring their dog on the subway unless they fit inside a bag. It turns out that is quite a big loophole when you think about it
Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.
Diet, Day 14:
I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I’ve repelled everyone else.
But I’m starting to really like pears.
Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
*detective bangs on table*
I SAID GIVE ME A NAME!
“Uh, Aaron?”
Aaron… I like it!
*’Aaron’ leaves interrogation room, ready for a new life*
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
What’s a random act of kindness you’ve done for a stranger recently? I helped a bunch of teens buy alcohol and cigarettes the other day
Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
13: Want to drive me to school?
Me: Not really, that’s why you take the bus.
13: We can stop at Starbucks on the way.
Me: It’s not on the way.
13: I’ll pay.
Me: You should lead with that next time. Let’s go.
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.