Soldiers seen here arriving before the infamous Battle of Baguettysburg.
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Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆
I love furniture from the Edward Ian period. 😂
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.
The MCU should introduce an evil version of Mjölnir that you can only lift if you’re a total jerk.
My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.
I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the Ambien wears off and I realize I’m dragging a stolen mannequin through the Taco Bell parking lot.
My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”
Asked my 8yo what I owed her for my doctor’s visit, and she said I should just give her all the money I have
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.
tarot lady: someone wants to talk to you
me: stop threatening me
Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.
[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
The nurse said she needed some urine to test for potassium. “K,” I said. Silence. “I bet everyone makes that joke,” I say. She’s like “In 15 years of nursing not one person has made that joke”
It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.
The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…
Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf
Me: Get the hell out of my sight!
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.