[solicitor reading my will]
“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],
He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.
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[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.
After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?
Origami = folding paper
Jiu Jitsu = folding clothes (while people are still in them)#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes #jiujitsu
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.
I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
I hate when someone makes an Instagram for their pet and then spells all the words wrong.
Either your dog is smart enough to set up, build & maintain a successful social media presence or he isn’t.
If you expect me to believe a dog did all this I think he can also spell “hungry.”
Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”
*later at the abandoned mine*
Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.
And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.
Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.
Parents of toddlers are the biggest gamblers like when your kid asks to help but you’ve just finished so you say something like: I’m done mixing the ingredients but I really need someone to watch them bake, and then you hold your breath hoping they don’t call your bluff
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:
The news is so predictable nowadays
[sheriff’s office]
me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition
deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records
me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now
There are two types of moms: those who wish the recital had booze and those who smuggle booze into the recital.
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!
ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁
me: fancy a movie?
them: what do you have in mind?
me: “500 Days of Summer” maybe?
them: what’s it about?
me: August 2020