Solving a traffic jam
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Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead
I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄
[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color
Hey waiters-I don’t ever ‘save room for dessert’, I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don’t have an accident.
It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
me: how did he die?
him: he was trampled by a gang of elephants
me: a parade
him: no it’ll just be a regular funeral
Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police
This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.
For those that worship cheese..
the real victims in all of this are those of us who like to take soup in museums to have a nice snack and now will be regarded with hostility and suspicion — or worse!
One venti cheeseburger please.
Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…
The baby of our family starts school next week. When he was 4 years old in Pre-K he had 6 older siblings in the same school. He is now the last one standing, entering high school. I asked if he was nervous and he said, “It’s taken a decade but I’m finally my own man.”
He’s 14.
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad
Principal: about your son…
Dad: our son?
Mom: is he ok??
Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.
[Betty enters with cooler parents]
Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal
Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal
Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.
This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.
🙋♀️
Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?
Pac-Man: *deep breath*
*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*