Solving a traffic jam
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Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question
Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.
*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: You can find me in da club shawty
Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?
Me: Yes
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed
airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.
Plumber: I think I found the problem
9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”
What month is it? Why is summer so long?
I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have
Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.
Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.
MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bedMY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport
Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
Me: got my fries just gonna open this packet of ketchup.
Ketchup Packet: haha nope.
Me: come on man please.
Ketchup Packet: use your teeth.
Me: uh what?
Ketchup Packet: use. your. teeth.
Me: ugh fine.
[ketchup explodes everywhere]
Ketchup Packet: lol.
I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them
I remember when a computer didn’t automatically connect to the internet, it used to make a screaming noise. We should have listened.
My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.
Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back
“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?
Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-
group leader: oh my god it’s Bruce Wayne
Batman: Batman: no no I’m Batwayne, I mean Bruceman