You Might Also Like
Gonna put this on a dog and blow some minds
Doc: I have bad news about your test results
Me: oh man did I fail
Doc: not that kind of test
Me: so I passed?
Doc: no but you will in a week
[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute
May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]
I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water
Inspecting every trashcan in the office for pits after discovering someone ate nearly all of my cherries. Cherries that were in a sealed bag labeled Erin. I shall exact my revenge with fire and blood.
me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
My dog barks for 2 reasons:
1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.
Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*
Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store
Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?
For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.
Probably.
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
Me: How could you do this?
Her: I just felt like you needed to know
Me: I’ve completely lost trust
Her: I know this is hard
Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.
I’m 14 shows into the 1st season of ‘Lost’ & there are SO many mysteries.
I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
[front of card]
No one will find your body[open card]
as attractive as I do[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*