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Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.
asbestos? I’m doing asbestos I can
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
Friday the 13th doesn’t even feel creepy cause bad things happen everyday now. 🫶🏽🫶🏽
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
Torturer: I will break you
Me: Do you wear that hood to hide your sadness?
Torturer: *broken* ah hell man I just wanted to be a chef
My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us
Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know
I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.
IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.
Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?
Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.
Me: There is now.
Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
it’s cute when your doc says to be on strict bed rest when you have a 10 mo old and your husband is gone. lol i’ll just call my magic fairies. they can handle it and probably even wash the car and then we can all dance around together and eat pizza without getting fat
I brought my Beats headphones to work, and instead of being left alone, I’ve had 7 rap battles and am in the finals against A$AP Carol.
My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
HOT LOCAL MOMS IN YOUR AREA ARE WAITING TO TUCK U IN & WILL BE CHECKING THAT TOOTHBRUSH SO GET IN THERE & DO IT RIGHT MISTER
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?