Sombrero is better than nobrero.
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“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.
SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit
Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”
Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices
[At auto store]
Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?
“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”
[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone
earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*
webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat
I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.
If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.
I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
I wouldn’t mind weight fluctuations if it weren’t for the Pants of it all
WIFE: OMG how did grandma’s ashes get knocked off the mantel?
ME: Actually I think it was-
*cat makes throat slice gesture*
-the wind
News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.
Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!
*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search
My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice