Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..
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Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.
-Oreo to milk
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!
Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.
I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.
Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
mentally somewhere in italy
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.
Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
What to make for dinner: the chicken with the green things they hate, the chicken with the sauce they hate, or the plain chicken they hate?
I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.
I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other
WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.
Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.
[suit shopping]
Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?
sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.
Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while
Obama:
Me: like we all know who he is, but
Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™
Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for