Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.

Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.

“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”

-People

Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.

I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.

Thankfully, these political ads will be over soon, then we can move on to the civil war stage

Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time

God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?

Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.

r kelly: will you touch this shower quick

king midas: why

American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.

As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.

Had a dream I went to the chiropractor in a shirt that showed some of my back.

Chiropractor: Do you think you have a fungus on your back?

Me: Do YOU think I have a fungus on my back? YOU’RE looking at it.

My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle

Man. Just strolled through a shampoo aisle. Whatever parabens did it must’ve been pretty f****d up.

Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single

Back in the 90s, Target sold mini board game key chains, including a key chain Ouija board. These tiny things always made me laugh, just imagining an inch-high demon running around tormenting someone. Oh no, he’ll give you a hangnail! He’ll roll the peas right off your plate!

[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed

Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.

Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?

Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*

*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall

I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!

every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“

When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying

*finally drifting off to sleep*

Neighbors dogs at 3AM: BARK BARK BARK-WHO TRYIN’A FUK-BARK BARK BARK

My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.

[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first

Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.

Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks

Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean

my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up

me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair