Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why do they call it The Bachelor series and not Engagement Farming?

My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.

Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-

My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON

Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.

Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard

The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable

watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy

I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”

A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.

Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.

kermit the frog is more iconic than mickey mouse bc if u heard someone was named mickey u’d just be like ok sure . but if someone said their name was kermit u would be like huh ????? like the frog ?????????

This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible Elijah was like “God, I’m so mad! I want to die!” so God said “Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?” So Elijah slept, ate, & decided things weren’t so bad. Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap & a snack.

if i owned a bakery, i’d call it That’s How We Roll or Piece of Cake or Nothing’s Awry or We Enable Cookies or We’re Not Sour, Doh! or Torte Reformed or

Time to play: am I having an aneurysm or is my bun too tight?

Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.

the toddler refers to every baby as Baby [Name], like Baby is their formal title

According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean

I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house

*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else

My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”

They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron

Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.

My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.

We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”

I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.

BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record

[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt

Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.

Guy 1: guess I shouldn’t get in the water

Guy 2: why

Guy 2: well it’s shark week

Guy 1: that’s…that’s not what shark week is

Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.