Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”

Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.

Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job

My Dog:

Good morning, Twitter 😊

If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide

Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.

8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.

Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.

Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy

alien: greetings earthlings

me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language

alien: yeet us to yaass queen

me: *pinches nose* ffs

Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:

“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”

Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.

“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”

Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here

You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?

“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.

DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too

I was eating sour haribo sweets at the movies one time and I rubbed my eyes and my mates have teased me for years about “crying” over a fucking Avengers movie

People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.

*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.

Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.

John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real

“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats

Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.

*Wins Lifetime ACheeseMent Award

Me: Oh my Gouda, I can’t Brie-lieve this…

And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.

When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”

Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.

If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats

Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.

I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet

Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”

*20 minutes later*

Me: “No.”