Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.

Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.

Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.

Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.

I’m giving up alcohol for a month.

Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :

I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.

Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*

Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.

Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…

Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion

Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂

[having sex]

me: *finishing first* I win again!

wife: you really don’t

LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up

Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.

Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House

Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.

I hate it when you accidentally pick off a bit of dead skin on your lip and you can’t stop until you’ve peeled your entire face off.

Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.

Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.

target is planning to open full bars in their stores. my wife will never come home now.

What in the hell is “disposable income”?

I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.

I’m listening to an anger management podcast and after every point the host makes he directs us to his website to buy his program and ngl it’s pissing me off

I saw a guy biking in a park pulling his kid in a chariot behind him and I’ve never been more jealous of a toddler in my life.

I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.

hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more

if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away

Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’

Clerk: Pants are implied

I’m not lazy

Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.

Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…

My 3yo came home saying he learned how to sit “criss cross pizza sauce” and I just want to know when they changed it from “applesauce”.

Me: I’m sad my favorite beef jerky has been making my stomach hurt.

Husband: Maybe you shouldn’t eat the whole bag.

Me: No one asked you.