ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time
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GROCERY CLERK: I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of pumpkins. I hear some people use watermelons instead, would you like one of those?
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: No, that… that’s not going to work for me.
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.
I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
Challenge accepted.
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
Me: I want a snack.
Husband: You could have veggies.
Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed
One fell off and bumped his head
Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE
sheepdog: god i hate this guy
sheep: BAH BAH BAH
sheepdog: ok i hate all of you
Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
[Job interview]
-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?
Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.
*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance
Noted.
My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?
Just me?
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”