Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
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Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of
“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.
Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History
Judge: I’d like to call recess.
Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!
Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.
Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
Just watched the first half of Goodfellas, and it’s great. Being in the mob looks super fun, can’t wait to watch the second half where I assume the good times continue to roll.
Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.
I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…
I was gonna get on the treadmill, but then the couch will get sad
Hulu’s like I see you paused your show with 4 minutes left, would be a shame if someone were to…restart it from the beginning
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
Me-Did you know blinking is how cats say I love you?
*blinks profusely at cashier*
Cashier-Your fries, ma’am. Just please take your fries.
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Don’t you think today was just perfect?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a Flintstones themed wedding but was told no] I yabba dabba do not Sharon, tbh.
CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…
You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”
Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.
Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.