Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[dog park]
Go get it, boy!

*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*

Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever

Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind

What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.

The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.

Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.

2016: imagine the worst case scenario.

2019: no, not like that, worser

Introverted vegans go meetless

i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ

Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.

If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.

Coach: Hi I’m Coach Mike. Let’s all introduce ourselves!

7yo: I’m Coach Tommy

Coach: No wait…

Next kid: Let’s all be coaches!

*the whole team cheers*

Welcome to U8 soccer, Mike.

US: you need to build credit to show you are responsible with money

me: ok so my credit score will improve if i pay off a debt?

US: lmao

me: ?

US: are you serious

Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.

How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?

I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.

mariah carrie

Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.

Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.

I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.

It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency

I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.

I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.

I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.

I’m never using self-checkout again.

I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.

Ring = she’s married

Nose ring = she’s married to a bull

My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.

I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest

“I SWEAR TO GOD, SANTA WILL FLING HIMSELF OVER THIS HOUSE LIKE A SPEED BUMP IF YOU DON’T STOP FIGHTING.”

— Advent door 21

boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am

me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]

boss: [declines]

I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.

Mario: I killed all your turtle troops.Bowser: Turtle what?Mario: All the turtles that work for you.Bowser: What turtles?Mario: Uh oh…

Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.