Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Age 20: “You free for lunch?”
“Yeah, meet you there now.”

Age 30: “You free for lunch?”
“Yes, let’s schedule it in for 3 weeks from now.”

If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”

Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.

I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.

You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word

Me: one mcflurry please

Cashier: the machine is down

Me: awe then one for the machine too

Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.

cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.

Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel

If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.

My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”

Europe. Made in Germany.

Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.

*live news report
– You survived a fall of thousands of feet…
– Yes.
– Parachute failed?
– Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.

please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.

hey can I use your bathroom?

cashier: only paying customers

jesus…ok just give me 9 double whoppers with cheese, a chocolate shake, 2-

Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.

No one can handle that

On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.

Hubs: I’ll carry you!

6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!

Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!

6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.

Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name

You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.

I asked 10 how school was. “We did first aid training and now I’m qualified to kill someone then bring them back to life”. If you need me I’ll be hiding from my 10yo

Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment

McDonald’s employee: ok

Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive

happy to report that “what time is it/time for you to get a watch” is still being used by the youths

Any time a child tries to guess my age.

her: i only date woke guys

me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia

I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.

Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]

Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”