Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…

You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.

– Me, flirting.

Guys, stop telling women “you’re beautiful” get creative. Tell her she looks like she could beat Taylor Swift in a fight. Tell her she looks like she could make nachos that would **ck you up for a week. Tell her she reminds you of a guy you knew in prison.

[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay

[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?

I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.

DEAR @NETFLIX,

REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!

SINCERELY,
MARSHALL

I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID

I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.

My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands

God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can’t even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference

You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.

I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.

I was young. It was a different time.

My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.

Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire

Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.

I watched the movie, Trolls, with my kids and was really surprised that I didn’t see a lot of these Twitter accounts

Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no

[At Adele Concert]

Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide

Me (shouting): Tell us your surname

What base is it when he watches you fall off your barstool with a mouthful of loaded fries?

Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*

Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*

I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is

her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.

‘I have a migraine’
– An Italian farmer after harvest.

Whiskey, tango, french fry…?

Yeah, I think that’s right.

[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]

“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”

Here

“Aren’t you going to guess?”

[running into my ex]

Ex: omg it’s you

Me: yeah

Ex: we should exchange numbers

Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea

Ex: you backed into my car though

Me: look we’ve both moved on

Me: Raising a family is hard.

Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.

Me: What?

Necromancer: What?

Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.

I hate when that happens.

I’m so uncomfortable with confrontation, a waiter could bring me a bowl of cold black olives instead of my meal and I would quietly eat them and tip 30%.