Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead

When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one

I love greens, but not in a sexual way

Platonic salads, so to speak

*runs out of toilet paper*

“Good bye, infinity scarf”

Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.

searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do

“I’m 59 but have a biological age of 21” sorry if you are 59 your biological age is 59 because you are 59 years old

Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.

Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”

Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?

Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am

STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home

ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok

How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?

What I say:
Play outside.

What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.

Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.

this is funnier than any friends episode

I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.

Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?

If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle

Was at a political event recently (not my usual scene), MP was selling raffle tickets to support a potential parliamentary candidate.

I asked him how much they were.

He said “It’s five pound a strip”

I said “Do I get to choose the music?”

Just looked at me then walked off 🤣

I could totally take Beethoven in a fight even if he wasn’t dead.

Okay I try very hard to be respectful of the gentle parenting camp but I laughed out loud at this.

Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest

“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.

old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame

My best friend just sent me a picture she saw on Facebook and I was all like,”is this the new school board?” And she was like, “um, isn’t that your son and the mock trial team?”
Anyway, I’m a REALLY GREAT mom.

Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*

Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here

Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw

Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor

Shout out to everyone who cooks at 180°C for 20 minutes, no matter what the instructions say.

today, on father’s day, i’m thinking about how my dad escaped three wars and worked as a janitor only to see his bloodline die out bc his son discovered menswear forums and spent the next 20 years arguing about pants

Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well