some BODY once told me
Luigi Mangione
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(Going through Emergency Go Bag)
Hubs: We have no matches or flint
Me: We don’t need any
Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?
Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
Brilliant!
I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!
Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?
Her: I’ll bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.
[later]
Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?
My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!
I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together
Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
Canadian owl: Eh?
If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.
An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
*Boyfriend gets in bed*
Him: Wanna fool around?
Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*
My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe
wish this weren’t a scam text. would love to go
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered
If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.
people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.
Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
interviewer: what’s your biggest strength?
me: flattery
interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?
me: that smile
interviewer: 😳
Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn