Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[buying an engagement ring]

clerk: that will be $10,000

me: [dragging 3 months’ celery behind me] okay please dont laugh

If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.

“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars

Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.

Her: I’m really into eating clean.

Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.

I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato

Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?

Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-

Him: *running away*

Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!

Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror

Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.

Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.

You sound smart. You some kinda ‘ologist?

St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: Once a coworker said “supposably” 7 times in a meeting & I just let her
StP: Get in here

Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.

Her: (emerges from the sea, beach waves glistening in the sunshine)
Me: (washes ashore topless looking like Sigmund the Sea Monster)

I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one

I was raised by my father.

He was a competitive poker player.

Me: *stands on one leg*

My flamenco teacher: No.

My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???

Interviewer: So why do you want this job?

Me: I don’t. I just need money.

I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.

Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.

My milk crate brings all the boys to the ER.

It’s World Chocolate Day, and the latest research into human longevity shows that eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine can significantly increase your chances of enjoying yourself while you’re still here

Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.

Me: *pressed against glass* they can’t keep us apart, they can’t deny our love, you’re my lobster

Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security

Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI

Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.

My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.

In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”

I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”

19 y.o.: “What?”

Me: “I didn’t say anything.”

I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.

building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows

Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?