Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition

I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!

Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over

Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure

Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?

Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?

Me: Correct.

The key to a clean house is dim lighting.

I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth

*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.

I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs

“Oh, I like your coat!”

“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”

Every woman I know is down catastrophic for the United Healthcare CEO assassin so if you’re a lonely, unstable, disaffected young man yearning for love and connection I can confidently tell you that there’s (1) thing you can do to get that special girl’s attention…

One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.

Genius.

Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.

Don’t work for at least an hour after lunch or you’ll get cramps.

Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!

You’re welcome!

I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?

Jesus: this is my body

disciples: *eat bread*

Jesus: this is my blood

disciples: *drink wine*

Jesus: I also made brownies

Judas: but I have diabetes

Jesus: huh. Well, isn’t this a shame *holds eye contact while eating a brownie* shame, shame, shame

The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.

I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist

Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*

My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.

*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*

Time to seize the day.

My wife is mad that my daughter is crying in this restaurant but she should be mad that our daughter is so bad at tic-tac-toe that I’ve beaten her 24 times in a row.

Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.

Condensed milk is from dwarf cows

damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about

[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]

ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.

I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.

Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew