Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break

Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am

ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]

This is niece.

The fact that ‘head and shoulders’ doesn’t have a body wash called knees and toes is as much as a disappointment to me, as I am in myself, for writing this Tweet.

Parenting’s First Law of Physics:

An object in motion ends up resting on the floor until there’s an argument over who should pick it up.

You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.

Snow, maybe.

ME: *slides envelope across the table

COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990

ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here

You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.

Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”

I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.

my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh

*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*

The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.

I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.

me: *entering the ocean*

ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?

#Caturday

My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.

My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.

I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba

you could’ve given me a million hints plus unlimited time and i would’ve never landed on “dua lipa and trevor noah are dating”

No better way for a child to learn how to spell than by having to save a man from hanging to death.

Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.

I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”

If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.

Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there’s some transferable skills there.

Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.

Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.

A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.

You’re so cultured I’mma start calling you Yogurt.

if a doctor ever tried to hit *my* knee with a tiny hammer? hoo boy… all i’m sayin is, it’s a good thing they already live at the hospital

How dare you just go on the internet and make a post specifically about you and your situation. Don’t you know other people have situations????