Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.

a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”

My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.

Skinny people are easier to get blown around by storms. These 4 donuts are for my safety.

Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world

[20 years later]

Boss: ok lift on three

Me: oh shit

extrovert self made too many plans this month, introvert self is pissed

I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.

u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same

detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out

[ducks under the police tape]

detective: and get these ducks outta here

T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?

TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?

RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING

In truth, spiders are harmless*

*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.

I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him

I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.

I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.

Come on royal family, it’s not that difficult to name your 3rd child. I have 3 sons, Dustin, Jacob and what’s-his-face.

I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.

mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku

[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*

this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first

Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.

Me checking my bank balance online.

tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure

I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.

when relatives at your next get together start talking politics, a fun thing to do is say “yeah it’s just like orwell’s 1984,” and then describe the plot of Twilight

[meeting]

Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children

Demon in the back: I have the soy latte

spiders in your apartment after the landlord paints over them

Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.

Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled

Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax