@tobyherman27

Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.

— an Easter egg

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@Daveastated

Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?

Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.

@squirrel74wkgn

My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.

@dyldonot

Cannibals don’t drink coffee.

They have a cup of Joe instead.

@ericsshadow

My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.

@sofarrsogud

I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!

*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.

@caithuls

person walking past me: (politely) good morning

me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel

@marlespo

Twitter: Tell me I’m funny!
Instagram: Tell me I’m pretty!
Facebook: Tell me I have real friends!
Pinterest: Tell me how to knit a condom!

@CrazyExhaustion

Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”

The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.

@bighandsmassuer

If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it