Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
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Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.
Me: don’t 🙏🏼 judge 💜 other 🌈 people 💕 be kind ✌🏼😇
Also me: anyone who likes the new Taylor Swift song has a rotten brain parasite
I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.
Me: I’m not watching that movie. It got 3 stars.
Also me: *watches the roomba chase down a dorito for 45 minutes*
BRONTOSAURUS: Why don’t you wear that sweater I bought you?
T. REX: I don’t think I could pull it off
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.
ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building
Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”
Best spot.. 😅
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is serendipity.
me: can you use it in a sentence.
judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.
I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.
Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.
I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.
Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you have a flock of sheep that’s having trouble with foxes/dogs get an alpaca. The alpaca will happy join the flock as a ‘long sheep’ and will kick the shit out of anyone who messes with its gang.
Source: grew up on a farm.
To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously
personal trainer: *just glares*
Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
I’m 32 never been married, no kids. Most people my age are married with kids. The older I get it is likely the man I marry will be a divorced dad. Satistically 80% of 2nd marriages with kids end in divorce. So what I’m saying is if you are looking for a 2nd ex wife hit me up.
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
If Mr Krabs owned a bar
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.