Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
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My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*calls it ‘This Year’.
person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
Twitter: Tell me I’m funny!
Instagram: Tell me I’m pretty!
Facebook: Tell me I have real friends!
Pinterest: Tell me how to knit a condom!
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”
The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it