Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
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My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.
[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”
Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.
The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.
I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done
Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon
me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start
thinking about that time they found a cat sleeping with a baby who’d been abandoned in a box in the cold and everyone was like “omg the cat saved the baby 🥺” but like…I’m prettyyyyy sure the cat was just there for the box
Tried to make a friendly comment about how I liked my neighbor’s very autumnal outfit, but I swerved too hard into friendliness, soared past over-familiarity, and landed on the arguably hostile “well if it isn’t Mr. Fall”
These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.
FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭
i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?