Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
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“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.
friend: I love your cookies
me: it’s a secret family recipe
friend: wow
me: please don’t tell my husband about my secret family
“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”
A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor
*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.
Pronounce ‘bourgeoisie’ as if you were choking on a corndog.
my kid, hitting me with toy hammer: mom, I’m fixing you
me: *fires therapist*
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again
Reports are indicating that Ivanka Trump may take on some roles of the First Lady. Still no word on who will handle the duties of President.
And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
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Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age
public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win
Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.
Be the one that gets asked to remove the hockey mask, during a conference call, on Friday the 13th.
Him: I hope I die first.
Her: Aww you can’t live without me?
Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.
A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀