Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
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hate playing make believe with little kids. u shoot them with a laser and theyre like “actually i went back in time so it doesnt count”. tf are u talking about. u just casually rip open a hole in the space-time continuum? thats irresponsible as shit pal
The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire
If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..
Co-worker at “Team-building exercise”: What the hell?!
Me: It’s called a “trust fall,” not a “trust catch.”
I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you’re God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.
[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family
Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday
A man outside Boots told me that Jesus died for my sins. Thanks for spoiling the end of the Bible. I was only up to the bit with the fish.
FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week
ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
Me: *sends myself a reminder text about an appointment*
Phone: *ding*
Me: Ooh, who’s texting me?
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.
My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?
I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…
CASHIER: have a nice day
ME: how
The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.
Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…
Him: Steve…my name is Steve.
Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.