Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

PREACHER: any prayer requests?

3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread

What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.

Emotional Fruit:

The Grapes of Wrath
The Apples of Annoyance
The Cantaloupes of Cantankerousness
The Plums of Pique
The Raspberries of Rage
The Bananas of Just Really Happy to See You

Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”

M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.

[job interview]

him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol

You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.

I worked at Subway many years ago and one night a lady brought in her own cheese for me to use on her sub

I don’t work for the health department so I did it anyway

A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.

After a certain age your body is like a car boot sale….
Some stuff looks old, some stuff doesn’t work, and some stuff you can’t even identify.

i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life

Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long

The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.

I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!

My 8yo made breakfast* for himself and his younger brother, and I’m so proud

*opened popsicles

Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?

Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.

Top names for pet grasshopper:
• Jerry Springer
• hoptimus prime
• Legatron
• Jumpford & sons
• meredith
• billy BOIIIING thorton
• beyouncé

Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.

Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent

Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.

Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.

Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”

My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.

3yo stood in front of the electric door at the grocery store, kicking it and shouting, “Dammit! Open! Why does no one listen to me?”

I think she’s ready to be a parent now.

My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.

6: Mommy, why is that man wearing his baseball cap backwards?

Me: Because he was alive in the 1990s, sweetheart

Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.

Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:

[1st date]

waiter: can I bring you anything?

her: maybe some Worcestersh–

me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–

her: and the check