Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
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5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.
Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.
Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”
I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
Mice are just frozen Mwater.
“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.
date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken
Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.
1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
Once I shot a man with a paintball gun, just to watch him dye.
Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.
At a doctor appointment:
“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
“No.”
“WHAT?!?!”HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!
Training a horde of rats to do my bidding is harder than I expected. After seven weeks they still misinterpret every command as “Bite me.”
Cashier: what’s with all the pineapple juice?
Me: *winks*
-Spends the night making delicious umbrella drinks with my cat.
“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go
Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.