Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
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me: babe come quick
wife: what?
me: just hurry
wife: no, it’s always something dumb
me: not this time
*wife walks into living room*
me: i put the dog in a suit
wife: i want a divorce
me: k but my lawyer’s a ruff negotiator
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.
Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube
Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I’ll have a word with him[Later]
Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?
If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…
Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”
the guy I interviewed just now not only got up from his chair to get his DoorDash order, he then decided to eat it during the interview (spaghetti)
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
🤣😂
cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
Age is just a number that you keep off of Facebook after 35.
Me: I can never hear the alarm in the morning anymore.
Wife: Me either. We are getting old.
Me: Nah, I think it’s because we have become used to annoying sounds.
Wife: What do you mean-
[Kids start imitating hyenas]
-nevermind.
Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
Called my mom to check on her and we wound up arguing over whether Shrek is Jewish
True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..
“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
My goal is to do one thing each day that could prevent me from being elected to political office
“Be careful. That ice is slippery” – Everyone after you slip on ice.
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!
I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.