Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

God: Any other requests?

Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!

God: No problem.

I’m not making a decision on who to vote for until I see the latest results from dogshit7’s Twitter poll. It’s important to have all the facts.

[Starbucks]
What can I get you?

I’ll have a large coffee, black

“You don’t have to say black”

I’ll have a large coffee, African American

Him: I love you to the moon.

Me: And back?

Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.

9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?

Me: (pause) Europe.

i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends

Pro tip: Turn any sofa into a sofa bed by telling your girl to calm down.

*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?

too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now

[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album

“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you

The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you

…r underwear elastic to break because I don’t wish bodily harm on you but I think you deserve to be mildly inconvenienced.

My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name

WARNING: My kids were in the water all day yesterday.

None of them got out for a bathroom break.

Until further notice, Lake Michigan is CLOSED.

Sorry I said your toddler should be in commercials for birth control

As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?

My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.

*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”

My 6yo was mad I wouldn’t get him the puppy popsicles

We don’t have a dog

sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???

*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*

I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.

If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.

*gets into any creepy van*

*Gets kicked out*

Anytime a young person makes me watch a Tik Tok I don’t like, I make them watch a full season of Frasier on DVD

CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?

Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.

REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!

I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME

I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!

Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting

Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.

Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.