Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: Toast me some bread please?

Me *raising wine glass

Here’s to bread!

You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.

if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat

Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.

Parenting is fun lol

My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my “professional” roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.

I don’t understand why my husband has to pay for a UFC fight when he could just throw one piece of candy on the floor in front of our three kids.

The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.

People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.

-inspirational tweet

[boiling pot]

Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off

My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.

ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David

i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle

When I picked up my 5yo from school, she had on a construction paper hat that she made. I asked if it was a jellyfish. The joy in her eyes slowly turned into disappointment, “it’s a spider!” I failed her.

Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.

Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge

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The Chosen Phew

doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on

me: probably since the summer of 2015

I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting

Me: Will you marry me?

Girlfriend: No.

Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.

I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.

Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!

Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*

I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.

Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.

If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.

Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me

Me: OMG just get in the shower

I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.

To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician

If a gang attacks U say you’re on their side & U brought them “gang supplies”. They’ll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away

wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly

me: u didn’t even turn it on

[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free