Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
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My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
(at the tavern, 16th century) bro you cannot horse and buggy home. you’ve had too much ale. bro give me your reins right now
When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids
I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet
VERIZON: How’d you get it wet
ME: I talked dirty to it
HIM: ……
ME: Water asshole. How else?
“the best laid plans of mice & men oft go astray” sure but i bet mice are bringing down the average
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?
Rick Astley: *tearing up*
Me: oh no
Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?
Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.
Waiter: Rare it is.
A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.
A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
I used to be married, but I’m better now
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”
I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
[first day as producer]
superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME
me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
Employees must applaud the planets.
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit