Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?

[ Playing with Ouija board ]

Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.

How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table

Her: WHAT?!

Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?

Husband: How’s your diet going?

Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.

ex: do you still have feelings for me?

me: yes.
disgust.

Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?

Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.

5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?

Me: What?

5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.

I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.

The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”

Imagine having a party on purpose.

My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.

Me, noticing that no one responded to my email yet: “Wow, rude.”

Me, noticing that I have an email in the “Scheduled” queue in Gmail: “Oh.”

[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars

me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years

verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet

I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.

Me: So that’s a no?

My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine

I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.

Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this

Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.

I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot

Commas make a big difference. For example “Don’t eat that, grandpa” has a very different meaning than “,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,”

That’s not a tweet.

Alcohol: Yes it is.

I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back

When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?

BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width

[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u again

DATE: That would be nice

ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her