Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?

Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper

knights of the ikea table

Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”

My kids accidentally knocked down Elfie and what followed was a total freak out about how he’ll lose his powers.

But I eventually calmed down.

Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?

*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*

*death metal voice*

BUTTERRRRRR

Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.

December 1st:
Smoked a cigar

December 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth

There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.

Changing my voicemail to “Please don’t call me, I don’t use my phone for that”

I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you

Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.

What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?

“You’re prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!”

TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie

[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.

[Dinner date]

I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl

“You mean tomgirl?”

Don’t talk with your mouth full.

6: I’m hungry

Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now

6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?

Husband: Oh no

I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.

Recycling in 2019: I’m not an alcoholic haha I just had a party

Recycling in 2020: omg I swear I didn’t have a party I’m just an alcoholic

What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.

What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.

Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄

a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain

it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due

[taking the last bite of a big meal]

date: what would you like to do next

me: poop

I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.

Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.

Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved

in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting

Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.