Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
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Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.
Sharon, call the vet
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands
Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct
If it wasn’t for my mil gifting me tons of bath & body works lotion I wouldn’t be able to survive the zombie apocalypse
Zombie 1: smells like peach blossom wine party
Zombie 2: no brains here
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*
The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.
TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die
[Studying for his history test]
10: I wish I was born in the 1800s
Me: Why?
10: I’d have less history to learn
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.
you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now
There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.
No YOUR a grammar nazi!
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy…
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: *Removes mask to reveal she is actually Santa*
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOO
My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.
a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.