Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.

Walmart customers are classless.

You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.

Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.

“Emergency Defibrillator”

As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?

Me, 1st time in a corn maze: This is scary and stupid. Let’s go. Where’s the map.
Husband: I gave it to her.
Me: To the FIVE YEAR OLD?
8: Yeah. She had it, but she threw it at the Corn Man we saw.
5: And then he ate it.

Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.

I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work

Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*

Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.

My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.

If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.

For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.

Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)

9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.

*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college

My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.

Wife: our friends won’t call us back cuz they’re sick of your conspiracy theories and seafood puns

Me: maybe they were all abducted by UFOs, seems awfully fishy to me

Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing

When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying

I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood

HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine

Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.

Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate

i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?

Wife: It’s fine

*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way

[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year

Chickens only make one sound, because they can’t think outside the bawks.

The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head

I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.

Fly is dead.

Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.

Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!

Thought I’d try one:

18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: No

Wasn’t that adorable?!