Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.
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2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*
[first day as a Detective]
me: omg he was invisible
partner: that’s a chalk outline
me: [under breath] and they stole the body
her: i’m leaving you.
me: is it because i’ve been ignoring you to teach the chicken how to skateboard
her: YES
me: *through tears* you never believed in Tony Bawk
Always leave the cult better than you found it.
Hmm 🧐
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
Good Morning.
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen
me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail
willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-
me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed
willy wonka:
me: how did- how could they have prepared
You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”
Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away
[spelling bee]
your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’
“can you use it in a sentence?”
yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’
quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing
Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping
Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house
Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse
My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
Security are trying to arrest a man who stole some binoculars from Duty Free. The problem is he can see them coming a mile away
Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!
HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall
Me: that was unclear
My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy
me: ok got it
[later]
her: hi i’m carol
me: u look like shit
Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?
Person 2: I did
Person 1: what’s he like?
Person 2: so tender and mild
Person 1: what