Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thinking about that time I used a pic of katy perry as my avi and a dude got so mad that I wasn’t actually katy perry that he called me a catfish and blocked me. Wonder how he’s doing now

Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.

My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.

If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?

“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.

Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”

A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday

people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important

Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…

[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?

I love how twitter uses little bluebirds to give the impression we are all sweet talkers. A couple of pterodactyls would be more realistic..

This could be us, but you weedin’.

Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.

see next tweet for some translations

I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.

If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.

me: does anyone here play baseball

england: *crickets*

A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress

Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.

If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.

reminiscing fondly on my College roomy Vincent who, when told by the RAs that lava lamps are fire hazard banned from the dorms, replied “guys relax it’s not real lava”

Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand

I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.

Today I was seated next to lovely, glowing, first-time pregnant woman, who looked me in the face and told me her child will be a mellow introvert. I let her have the moment.

(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.

I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.

Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?

Me: I struck down a Jedi.

W: god I hate you.

M: yes, use your hate

*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.

Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?

HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES

Am I annoying yet? How about now? Now? Now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Maybe now? Now? Now? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow?