Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sending my 6yo to law school considering how many arguments I’ve had to hear about why he should get to eat pumpkin pie today

I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.

My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.

Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.

whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”

Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.

You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok

Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders

My dog: It’s a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I’ll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub

Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night

Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time

I made a new rule at dinner tonight.

Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.

It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.

Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.

Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.

[8 months later]

Ok, I’m back.

The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.

St. Patrick’s Day: the day the Venn diagram for people who touch my hair for luck and the number of times I throat punch someone is just a circle.

[coding]

I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot

*ten minutes later*

I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.

a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables

Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.

I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.

[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”

My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday

placebo pills? more like sike meds

Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.

I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior

Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death

Gladiator: Hell yeah

Madiator: well this is bullshit

[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew

New skill unlocked

The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.

My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”

My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time

“I think I have ADHD, doc”
why?
“I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford”
that’s not-
“yeah I keep losing my Focus”
get out of my office